I legitimately don't even know where to begin
Long story short, the pandemic has been disastrous for me as an individual and I've put on 80+lbs in that year and a half time span. I was obese growing up, as food was the only form of comfort/means to cope with an unstable household, years of social alienation/isolation, and a long list of mental illnesses passed down from one generation to another.
Several years ago I decided to try and change this aspect of my life and went on an extremely restrictive schedule of eating which led to me losing 150+lbs in 6-8 months. I was a normal weight, and then I kept losing weight until I was very clearly anorexic. During that time span I was eating anywhere from 400-900 calories a day, and doing loads of cardio. I was forced by my family and doctors to give up the way in which I ate, which led to me reverting to how everyone else in my family eats (processed junk food or takeout every single day).
Fast forward to the onset of the pandemic, just before which I had an onslaught of negative events occuring in my life that ultimately led to me to taking up a completely isolated and sedentary lifestyle.
I realize that I need to change how I eat, but I'm sober from a multitude of things and quite honestly food is the last thing that I have in this life that momentarily makes me feel better. I've had numerous therapists, been on over 30 medications, spoken to dieticians, etc. I can barely eat any traditionally healthy food at all nowadays due to chronic illness from a gastrointestinal disorder.
And when I was not obese, I despised exercise every single day that I did it. It never once made me feel any better or "happier", it always destroyed the little bit of energy that I had in my day to day (I have severe insomnia) and left me feeling exhausted and angry at myself.
So essentially now I'm left with either living this pointless life with absolutely nothing occuring in it as I continue to eat myself into a coma, or going down a path I know from experience has no innate impact whatsoever on my self esteem, energy levels, or mental health. In fact I was actively suicidal when I was healthier as I had a little energy left over to actually be able to go through with my intrusive thoughts. Since then my depression has reached a state of complete and total apathy where I feel incapable of doing anything, and thus I can't do such a thing.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3jBN6J6
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