[F / 24 / 5’6” | SW 270 CW 165 GW 142] Time to get the fuck back on the wagon

Hi everyone, I’ve been an active member of /r/loseit since 2012. With this community’s support I went from 270 lbs to 128 (female, 24, 5’6’’ tall) from 2013-2015.

128 was not sustainable, and I have found that 140-145 is where I feel comfortable, confident, and like I can sustain my way of eating and living.

I had Mirena put in about a year ago, and in one year I shot up from 140 to 165. It’s really, really frustrating. I recently got it switched to copper and the bloating has already gone down.

I since the removal of the Mirena, I keep sabotaging myself. I have been having binge episodes more often and they’re getting worse. The blinders go on. I get the “amnesia” feeling. The food goes from hand to mouth with no thought or rational decision making. I don’t know what I’ve done until it’s over.

It scares me because it reminds me of how I ate when I was in high school and was gaining 20 lbs a year. It scares me because I’m in that exact same spot again. I’m embarrassed because I feel like I’m fulfilling my prophesy that I was just an imposter as a thin person, I’m really just the fat girl undeserving of kindness from myself or others. I’m embarrassed to tell people I lost weight when I clearly am just gaining it all over again.

Today I ate 3000 calories (with a 4 mile walk). I feel like I’ve lost all sort of self control and motivation.

I’m sick of feeling disappointed in myself. I’m sick of feeling out of shape. I’m sick of putting on my clothes and feeling uncomfortable. I’m sick of beating myself up. I’m sick of making excuses.

I’m reversing my progress. But instead of gaining it all back, in stopping here. Right now. This minute. I will not reverse any further than 25 lbs due to binge eating (muscle is ok :) )

Tonight I’ve already brushed my teeth to stop this from going any further. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow I do not restrict to make up for today. Tomorrow is a clean slate. I know how to eat right, I know how to take care of my body. I lost 142 lbs for fuck’s sake! 25 lbs can. be. done. One day at a time, one lb at a time.

Edit: spelling error

submitted by /u/jarmani729
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