I'm sick of feeling lazy, slobby and embarrassed.

This is mostly just a rant post. Hope it's allowed.

I started out 2013 (at the age of 24) around 235 lbs (at 5'5"). By winter of 2015, and into summer of 2016, I'd gotten myself down to 130-135 lbs. I was in great shape. I worked out 5 days a week.

I still wasn't happy with how I looked, but looking back.. damn I looked good!

Jump to 2017. I started on Effexor for depression and my ability to control my eating vanished - especially sugar. I gained 25 lbs from February 2017 - July 2017. I started a second job in August of 2017 and stopped working out consistently.

Now I'm 29. I've probably gained another 10-15 lbs, but I'm mostly ~maintaining~ around 165-175. It's terrible. More than half of my wardrobe no longer fits, I feel like a fat slob and I don't work out at all anymore.

I've become incapable of saying no to my cravings and I fear I'll end up over 200 lbs again.

I'm dreading the embarrassment of going home next weekend for the holidays and everyone seeing how far back in the other direction I've gone. I'm no longer fit. I may not be morbidly obese again, but I'm obviously overweight, if not bordering on obese.

This week I'm trying to get back in tune with my body. I'm trying to tell myself it's okay to be hungry sometimes. I'm trying to make more mindful food choices. I'm trying to slowly re-introduce working out in short 15-30 minute bursts per day.

My sex drive has all but vanished due to my terrible perception of myself. My self confidence is non existent. I want to look and feel healthy again. My husband and I are talking about starting a family soon. I don't want to project my terrible relationship with food onto my future children.

I hope I can make 2019 about me and my health again.

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