REAL, RAW and EMBARRASSING! (My most shameful post on the internet).

Warning: This is unedited, TMI, and my truth. I need to say it.

Let me say that I've had multiple things happen to me with my size that lead to my own feelings about myself. At first it was not that big of a deal (I've always been a chubby girl). But I could still out hike, out run, out sport, go out and do things with my friends. Then... when I became an adult a few other things came into play; wearing a top at all times during sex. A black control top to be exact. One that only covers my stomach. I was a snug fit in booths, airplane seats and roller coaster rides. My jeans were no longer in the teens, but now in the 20s. But yet, I was still hiking, biking, running, dating, etc. The anxiety I had when I almost couldn't latch my belt on a rollercoaster. The anxiety when a cute guy had to help my latch my belt on an airplane ride. The fact that I shift all of myself as far away as possible from a person on a plane ride so I do not touch any part of them. And I hold myself in that position the whole time. I'm now wearing the size of jeans I made fun of as a teenager. I remember wondering who the hell would possibly be this big. I went on a trip and needed a belt extension. The stewardess yelled at me from a couple rows "MA'AM HERE'S YOUR SEAT BELT EXTENSION!!!!" The horror!! My shirts are now 3xl in mens. My jeans a snug size 24. I need two bra extensions to fit my 44DD bra comfortably. I had to leave a restaurant with a friend because my stomach was squished against the table. Unmovable chairs or tables at restaurants terrify me. My control tops for sex are becoming tighter than what I like. I want to avoid sex altogether now. I actually have a double chin now. I never had this before. My neck is developing rough skin. I get winded going up stairs. My body has basically bwen driven on with no oil or good fuel or coolant changes for some time. And I'm feeling myself putter out. I make awkward jokes to cover myself. But I feel like maybe I'm making people uncomfortable with that. But even with all of this. The shopping on plus size sides, plus size stores, having to calculate seating arrangments, hating photos of myself, never wearing a bikini, never wearing a bathing suit, never being completely nude during sex... nothing affected me as much as my situation in the last month. Not being able to wipe/wash the tiny area that some people call the gooch. The area between your anus and goodies. I had to buy a cleansing brush to reach that area. Hell to the no is that okay with me. I hate it!! I need a tool to wash myself?!?!! I've always been great at washing my back and every single area on my body. Hygiene is super important to me. And this mortified me! Having to angle myself in a special position to wipe?! Wtf?! So no more. That's it. I want to wipe normal, wash normal, sit normal, travel normal, shop normal, sex normal!!! Because aging happens. We can't stop it. But if I keep this up... I'm going to age in the WORST possible way. I would be extremely devestated if anyone in my social circles found this out. It's the most embarrassing secret I have.

Be Real With Yourself about your health

EDIT: If you're looking for a weightoss pal for the journey... I'm attaching my instagram: fatty2baddy_insta

Please add me if you want a cheerleader/partner/pal/someone to cheer on.

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