I haven't lost that much but I've stopped hating myself
I avoided losing weight for a while for this reason: I hated myself. I hated my body, partially because I didn't like how it looked, but also because my body had become a metaphor, a representation, a symbol for everything I hated about myself. My belly fat and thick thighs and indistinct jawline were a symbol of how I saw myself as lazy, as weak, as over indulgent and self pitying. That I saw myself as a fraud, as different in private, as deserving of shame.
And so I did my best to ignore it. I didn't look in mirrors. I wouldn't wear my glasses to the bathroom when I showered so that when I walked naked past the mirror my outline was blurry and indistinct. I wore baggy clothes. I didn't look down.
And I thought that when I started losing weight it would get worse. Because all of a sudden I would be forced to notice. I'd be stepping on a scale and really thinking about the number that was there. I'd have to actually critically examine my body and notice that I didn't like. I'd have to look at what I was eating, really look at it, and realize it was out of control. And so I thought it would be months of focusing, intensely, on everything I hated about myself. On what a lazy piece of shit I am. On how useless and pathetic I am compared to everyone else. (Weirdly, I don't think these things about other fat people. Just me.)
It's been a few weeks. And my hatred for myself has been ebbing. I find myself evaluating my body in this way that is totally neutral. The neutrality is foreign. I put on my jeans, my jeans are ugly, I don't look good in them, and I fucking do not care. They are temporary jeans, they are jeans for while I am figuring things out, and who cares if they don't look good? They fit okay, that's all I need. Measuring things makes me feel confident, in control, like I am okay. Tracking my food feels like I am taking care of myself, because I deserve it. I feel like I am starting to understand what "treating yourself with love" means. I evaluate my body fat in the mirror and I do not want it to be there, but it's a neutral dislike, the way you would look at a paint color you dislike and think "well, good thing we're going to the hardware store tomorrow."
It's nice. And unexpected.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2RqOmlj
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