Advice on how to deal with loved ones?
Hello, this is my first ever reddit post but I have been apart of this community for awhile and am so impressed with the support an encouragement shown to each other, something I could use a little bit of myself.
So here goes. I'm 18(f) and 215 pounds. Obviously I'm well aware of how overweight I am and the negative consequences it could have for me further down the road. I've been struggling with binge eating for a few years now to cope with a sadness that can be crushing at times. I hate the person I see in the mirror and truly have been trying my hardest to break free from this addiction but I can't seem to stop, which only makes me hate myself all the more for being so weak. That's not the worse part, but the fact that I feel like everyone in my life is in someway holding me back.
For example, both my parents have expressed their concern about my weight and want to help me, especially my mother who I live with. There is nothing wrong with this but its the way she tries to help thats the problem. In general, its things like questioning me about what I'm eating, even if its just breakfast or telling me how pretty I could be if I just lost a few pounds, stopping me from enjoying something even if everyone else is having it. What she did today however, was the huge punch in the gut that made me finally want to ask for advice. I had spent all day out with my brothers, came home and ate before going straight to my room whilst she was downstairs with other family. About an hour passes and I started to want something sweet, I didn't really care what. When I went down to ask if she had cookies or anything she starting berating me for wanting it and stating loudly " I thought you were crying the other day about being over 200 pounds". This is what really hurt me, as I hadn't weighed myself in a while, so finding out I had put on so much weight did make me really sad and cry, it was a very hard realization. My mother was the only person I had told about my weight, because I confide in her about pretty much everything and she just nonchalantly announced in a room full of family that I don't open up to. Not wanting to bring it up in front of others, I moved on and pretended it wasn't even a big deal(story of my life) and said, "but you guys had apple pie from McDonald's 5 minutes ago". At this point I didn't even want the cookie anymore I was just annoyed at her double standard (most of my family is to some extent also overweight).
When we were alone I brought up the fact that I was upset she told everyone like that and she brushed it off by saying "oh I thought they knew, sorry". Which didn't make sense to me because she knows how sensitive I had become about my body. When it became obvious I was actually quite upset she began jokingly plying me with kisses and trying to hug me in a attempt to grab at my love handles. This made me profoundly upset and I begged her to stop multiple times to no avail because not only did I feel totally violated, I hate it when people do me wrong and brush it off because I'm known as the the tough one in my family (something I never asked for btw, and its been like that since I was a child). After, when she finally stopped and I was still on the verge of tears, she turned to her best defense, gaslighting. "I'm only trying to help you, I know I've failed as a mother, I'm sorry i can't do anything right". This is when I gave up, I pretended I was fine, told her I forgave her and moved on. In reality, I'm curled up in my room still feeling so gross and wishing I could just die. She's not even the only person in my family to do or say stuff like this, but if I tried to explain I'd be here forever.
I know this post is very long and if you've read this far, thank you. I would really appreciate any thoughts or advice anyone has on the matter, please. I'm desperate.
Tldr: I hate myself because of my weight and my mother's comments are only making it worse.
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