Finding myself again
First time posting here, but I want to share this whether anyone reads it or not.
I got divorced in 2012, and I couldn’t see past it. I thought my life had been set: I had a wife, a house, the dog and the fenced in yard. Then it was over. I moved away to the city, and started working in a restaurant downtown. I embraced the night life that comes along with the service industry. I really dug into it.
Over the next 4 and a half years, I was set on drinking myself to death. I was severely depressed, and had no way of coping. I kept gaining weight. I was about 225 lbs at 5’10”, I know that’s not an extremely high weight but I hated looking in the mirror so to me it was.
It got to the point that I hated myself enough that one day the thought entered my mind, “It’d be so much better if I were dead.” I scoffed at myself and jokingly prayed to God saying, “You like to fix things that are broken, well why not me.”
Some days later, I had a spiritual experience. Call it what you want, but I went from drinking a case or more of beer a day to nothing, cold turkey along with cigarettes and any other vice.
On December 9, 2017 I went to a sporting goods store and bought a pair of shorts and a sweatshirt as I had nothing suitable to wear to a gym. I signed up at a Workout Anytime. I ran half of a mile on the tred and lifted some weights that night. Left, got some protein, and started repeating this almost daily (6 days a week for the first few months).
As I started to see myself change, I started to gain respect for myself. I loved going to the gym, but it wasn’t long before I realized that there was something different to me about running. I was fully invested: diet, gym, attitude, habits, and the run. It was the day after my birthday later that month that I ran 7 miles without stopping for the first time. I never thought I could do that. That was day running revealed to me its greatest gift. It taught me I was more than I ever thought I was. From here everything snowballed.
I ran 800 miles each of the next two years, while still maintaining a good diet and some gym time. But what was most incredible is that it changed everything about me. I went from someone who was supremely negative and hated himself enough to imagine being dead as a release; to a positive, motivated, confident individual who for the first time in life felt great about who he was. In turn, I noticed others treating me differently as well.
It was the best two years of my life. Everything was great. Every aspect of my life had been infected by the positive effects of running.
Then last October, I had a depressive episode begin. I have MDD and generalized anxiety, but it had all but disappeared the last two years. I’ve struggled with it now for over a year. Despite not changing much in my diet or habits I gained weight. Once again I saw the old me in the mirror. It has broke my heart over and over to see that version of myself again, inside and out. Confidence dissipated and self loathing was its replacement.
BUT, I knew that along with therapy and a commitment to myself, if I kept running it could impact me positively again. So I’ve done just that. There have been a few gaps and unexpected set backs throughout the year, but I’ve kept starting over.
Tonight I went for a run and this has nothing to do with how far or what my time was, but I felt like me again. The moral of the story is this...
There are few things in life that are truly dependable, but running to me is one of those things. You always get out what you put in. It will not cheat you. It will not let you down. If you commit to it, and keep going it will change you for the better. I’m not out of the woods yet, and will continue with therapy and investing in myself by doing the things I know will build happiness and positivity in my life. I will not stop running as long as God allows me.
I hope that this has helped someone or at least been of use. Nonetheless, it was good for me just to write it out. Feeling very hopeful and thankful tonight. Thanks for reading. God bless.
Be safe. Wear a mask. Please vote.
Ridin’ with Biden 2020
[link] [comments]
from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3opxoRe
No comments: