Please help!! I’m so unhappy being fat but I hate dieting

I am a 5’8” 190 lbs female. I want to lose weight because I have no self esteem and a terrible body image. I don’t know what to do because I’m obsessed with food. I should mention that I have a history of eating disorders. I was a normal 130 lbs in high school, became anorexic in college and dropped to 90 lbs, then when I was recovering from anorexia about two years ago I couldn’t stop binging and got up to 220 lbs. This January I made a resolution to lose weight (I want to get back to 130 lbs) and I got down to 190 by the end of February. Now I have just been losing and gaining the same 10 lbs for 8 months! It’s so upsetting because I could be at my goal weight right now but I just keep dieting and binging. I’ve tried everything - intermittent fasting, taking it really slow (ie not crash dieting), going low carb, etc. Some days I want to kill myself. I can’t afford therapy now either because I am back in school and living with my parents and have no income to pay for it. I have no friends because I am too self conscious to go anywhere in public (besides school) and I can’t stand the thought of my high school and college friends seeing me so fat when they only knew me as normal/skinny, so I haven’t seen them in years. I am so lonely and food is my only comfort and the only thing that makes me happy! I hate dieting but I hate being fat too. I’m so desperate! PLEASE HELP!!!

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