Fat, but I don’t feel fat. Rant ahead
I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been. There I’ve said it.
I’m nearing 41(f), and while I don’t “feel fat”....I’m 280 pounds. God that’s so hard to type.
14 years ago, I was hovering around the 180 mark, but then I started on a 7 year IVF journey where in my doctor told me I had to stop the kick boxing I was doing and just stick to some walks to ensure the treatments stuck.
I did that, but never altered my caloric intake down...7 years after I started, I finally had a sustained pregnancy. At this point I was 240 pounds.
Pregnancy wasn’t good. A magazine even did a two page spread on it. I had gestational diabetes, and hydramnios (too much fluid). I was 270 at the end, but the day after my c-section I was 235.
Over the last 7 years I’ve dealt with a lot of postpartum depression and just a lot of personal stuff.
I’ve been hovering around 240-260 since giving birth. I’ve tried working out, but I haven’t sustained it, but I keep trying.
When my husband was off work for over a year, he spent the time heavily working out and counting calories. He lost a lot of weight and did amazing.
I was trying to work out, but mostly was stress eating about finances and my career.
Before the pandemic I got Ring Fit and was hitting 230.....but the last year has just broken me, as it has with many.
I try to control food, but there are various allergies and food aversions and general pickyness in my house that it’s not easy to plan meals that everyone can and will eat, and it’s just one less thing to worry about if I just stick to our usually food schedule. We are starting to eat better and I am trying to add healthier options...but I just feel helpless sometimes.
I’m trying to get my 7 year old to work out with me. He is average weight as I refuse to put our hang ups on him. I should probably eat more of what I am feeding him (Cheerios for breakfast, toast/cheese/chicken/strawberries/cucumber for lunch).
I keep saying I am going to wake up earlier to work out, but I find reasons to sleep in. I keep saying I will go on a walk but I don’t. I make excuses especially given that we are all working/schooling in our small home, if I can get some time alone, I just want to veg. I’m in meetings all day and when I’m not I am helping my son with school work, helping with dinner or cleaning. Then I spent time with my husband after my son is in bed and I’m done in.
My husband is awesome and handles school all day with my son so I can focus on my new position. I make lunch and spend time with the, before heading down to work again.
If I wake up early, my son will wake up and I don’t want to work out with him there. He needs my constant attention or whines about being bored (no screens before school during the week). I feel stuck and in no control. Can’t even really talk to anyone because there is no privacy in the house.
Sigh.
I don’t even know why I am making this post. Downvote the heck out of me
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