Feeling down

CW: eating disorders

This is my first ever post, although I’ve been coming to this page frequently over the past few months. I’ve lost about 25 pounds with CICO and running since the beginning of March (F27 5’4 SW: 230 CW: 204 GW: 140). It’s going ok, and sometimes I’m feeling pretty positive about my progress. But for the most part I just feel pretty depressed and anxious about this whole process. I’m working on my PhD right now but the only thing I can ever think about is losing weight. I spend hours on this page and looking up weight loss before and after pictures for inspiration. I weigh myself multiple times a day and obsessively recalculate how much I’ll weigh every month of the coming year based on my current rate of weight loss. I have a history of EDs and am attempting a relaxed approach at calorie counting where I just try to eat a reasonable amount of calories under 1500 (usually 1200-1300 + a couple hundred more on days I run over 5 miles). But lately, I consider purging whenever I eat more than 1400 calories. I just want to be skinny, and I know slow and steady progress and sustainable lifestyle changes are key but it also depresses me how long it’s taking. I lost a lot of weight quickly in the past due to my eating disorders, but started gaining while in recovery/therapy. I was diagnosed with PCOS recently, and it makes me so tired all the time and I have really intense PMS that makes me both depressed and ravenous. Plus my periods are so painful that I’m stuck in bed at least three days a month. It’s making me feel pretty bad about myself. I know I’m losing weight but I feel fatter than ever when I look in the mirror. And I know that I need to get back in therapy and I’m trying (I’m on a waiting list currently). I don’t even know why I’m writing this - I guess I just feel really alone right now. I live by myself after a recent breakup, and I don’t talk to anyone about my weight loss journey. I’m not going to give up - but I feel my mental health crumbling.

submitted by /u/Academic_Cat_6619
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