I’ve wasted 18 years being fat, isolated, and insecure. I’m so scared i’m going to lose another 18 years the same way

I’m almost 19, feels like i turned 18 yesterday. I did not get to be 18. i’ve been inside 24/7 for over a year, stuffing my face with food and going through the worst anxiety of my life.

I struggle immensely with food addiction and i’m so so fucking scared i’ll never change. i have this vision of the person i want to be and i get further from it everyday. and worse, i am becoming more and more apathetic to the rising number on the scale.

i’ve already fucked up being 18. i’ll never look back on this year and reminisce about being young and happy. i’ve fucked that all up. this was the worst year of my life and it gets worse every second, and i can’t put the food down. no amount of distraction can pull me away from it, especially when there’s nothing to do and nowhere to go. i have no control over the food in my house. i feel like i have no control over myself.

last time i did this, i lost 40lbs. sometimes it was so easy. now i can’t even manage a day of maintenance calories. everyday is a binge eventually, somehow.

i’ve promised myself everyday for years i’d become that person soon enough. before i’m 15, 16, 17, 18, and again i’ve told myself before i’m 19. I’m 19 in four fucking months. it’s never going to happen. fuck

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