Haunted by the desire to be skinny

I'm at a decent weight, 155lbs at 5'7. High end of '"normal BMI." I'm healthy, I can run a 7:30 minute mile, squat my body weight. I have a wonderful partner who loves how I look. I no longer dread photos or conversations about weight or food. My body goals are now aimed at fitness.

Yet

there lives this creature in the back of my mind. I wanna be skinny. Actually skinny. Almost unhealthily skinny. I wanna take up no space and consume no food. I want a man to be able to scoop my waist in one arm. I want to walk on two sticks. I want to wear a sundress to have any illusions of curves, it's all bone underneath.

I know it's a terrible idea. I've gone too low before, 118lbs at my lowest, and my body wasn't well. No energy, no period. The worse part is that I don't even find thinness attractive - I've always been attracted to thicker women with big hips and legs. So if it's not about health, and if it's not about beauty, why do I want it?

Is it some psychological demon that wants to get as far from the idea of "fat" as I possibly can? Is it that I never want to be associated with fatness again? That I never want the ideas of "fat" and "me" to be linked. There to be no natural association. For it to be laughable to call me fat. "Fat? *Her*? She's a stick!"

It's not easy to struggle with something your whole life. To try, succeed, and then fail again. So many times. To hate yourself so intensely, and then to forgive yourself.

I'm going to be healthy and strong. You hear that demon? Fuck off.

submitted by /u/nessaea-blue
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/3clVurG