Secret eating and subtle non-scale victories

Since I've started to regain control of my life and hold onto a healthier mindset, I've been unlearning many of the negative habits that caused me to stay stuck in obesity for most of my life. Something I still haven't shared with my family or friends is all the secret eating I've done over the years; midnight home deliveries snuck upto my room when the family was asleep, family pack sized snacks when I went to the movies alone when I lived abroad, takeouts eaten on my way home from university and dinners with my flatmates afterwards like I'd been hungry all day, having special hiding places around the house and throwing the trash directly into the dumpster when no one was home. So many solo meals consumed for momentary pleasure, followed by guilt and regret. It was a cycle I stayed stuck in for almost a decade, made worse when I got my first job and was able to spend my own money on food without anyone knowing.

I've been trying to lose weight for as long as I could remember. I would log in my calories at the beginning of the day, restricting ridiculously high amounts. I'd do things like the cabbage soup diet or three days of nothing but bananas and milk. I would either end up binging at night after a full day of restriction, or binging after the three days or five days were over and gaining it all back. When I learned to calorie count, I did so with serious denial. I'd put in about two servings' worth and log it as one, without using proper scales or measurements. When I came across the British series, Secret Eaters, I felt like I had been publicly undressed.

It's been about a year since I can say I have changed my habits for good, but only about six months since I believe I started to have a healthy relationship with food again. I'm visiting family and was going through a bit of a tough time lately. Being in the room I grew up in, my first night back, I felt so tempted to order pizza and sneak it upto my room, despite having had a full dinner. I realized then that I had come to associate my environment with my secret eating and being back home was a big test.

So I promised myself one thing - anything I would eat, I would not eat secretly. I don't want to go back to associating food with guilt. If I don't feel comfortable eating something with confidence around people, I know it's a meal I'll feel guilty about later. So that's my one rule.

What did this change? Well, everything.

• My portion sizes for takeouts or deliveries have reduced dramatically. Before I would order large servings and then feel the need to finish it in one go so I could get rid of any evidence of what I'd eaten. Now, I eat as much as I want and put the rest confidently in the fridge. Or everyone around me shares and I no longer walk away from the table feeling guilty or regretful.

• I've saved so much money. I used to be in shock at the end of the month when my bank account balance would be low and I'd barely have anything to show for it. So much money spent on mindless snacking and secret meals I'd finish in one go. Now, sometimes I split the bill with the people I'm sharing with and other times one delivery is enough to last me two or three days.

• Mental headspace and relationship with food. This has been a game changer, everything is different now. Food is no longer a guilty pleasure - it's just a pleasure that I don't feel continuously obsessed with. It's one of the many things in my life that I enjoy and I'm happy to bond with people over our mutual love of food. I'm happy to feel and look better and still enjoy my favorite foods. I don't feel dependent on takeouts for emotional support and I go to bed at night without feeling bloated.

I thought I would share since I know secret eating can be a shameful topic in real life and, as such, there's often not a lot of social support for people who do it. I've spent a long time in denial over my secret eating habits and it took a while for me to realize eating my favorite foods didn't have to be associated with guilt and regret every time. Have that pizza or that fried item, within your daily calorie intake, but have it with balance, moderation and confidence. Your love of food is nothing to be ashamed of and I promise, you have more control over food than it has over you.

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