I think I'm finally over hating myself and hating my body
I've posted on this sub before, but I've never really told the whole story. Sorry for the essay, it's a lot.
I have always struggled with perfectionism and self-esteem, and looking back on my life I realise it has ruined so much of what could've been. Part of that can be attributed to my undiagnosed ADHD, which if you don't know is linked to something called RSD (rejection sensitivity disorder) and for me that means that any perceived criticism can cause deep insecurity and obsession with 'fixing' the 'problems' that I have. After a gradual build up of trauma related to my weight, despite never being overweight, I lost 40 lbs very unhealthily in around 7 months last year and earlier this year. Using the new bmi, mine was about 16.7. I lost my period, my sex drive was non-existent, I isolated myself from the world, I was basically emotionless, and developed a whole bunch of nutritional deficiencies. However, I guess I was finally happy in a way. I felt confident enough to form a style I actually liked. It's BEYOND messed up, but I got more compliments on my appearance than I ever had in my life. I no longer felt like I had to hide from the world. As a tall woman, I no longer felt 'big' and 'intimidating', I felt feminine and like I finally had an 'acceptable' weight.
Then, all hell broke loose this March. Before I started starving myself, I always struggled with compulsive overeating, mostly due to low dopamine and poor impulse control. This was that, but 10 times worse - it was like I was a different person than the girl who spent days and nights without eating, I couldn't physically or mentally restrict in any sort of way without bingeing. I rapidly gained about 10 lbs and my mental health was TERRIBLE. I felt and still feel very depressed, all I wear are sweats and baggy hoodies/jumpers and feel like I'm not deserving or capable of being loved because my weight is no longer 'perfect'. Just look at my post history, it's umm... a lot. After the rapid weight gain, I entered a state of binge-restrict and purge cycles, and while I did keep gaining weight, it slowed a lot. I'm now around 20 lbs heavier than my lowest.
Throughout all this, I still haven't got my period. I'm still suffering health issues, though they're not as prominent or noticeable as before. Since no one knows about what I went through, I do feel quite invalidated since it's like all evidence of my experience has disappeared. I probably fit the criteria for a few different eating disorders at various points, but since I never saw a doctor I can't know for sure how to describe what I went through. I've being trying to get back to my unhealthy weight this whole time, but now I feel like I'm ready to let that chapter of my life go. I really need to prioritise improving my health, and living for ME.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to completely dive headfirst into eating whatever I want or anything, because I still have extreme body image issues. I am going to allow myself to try and lose weight to be 57 kg/123 lbs, because that's still a healthy bmi and I know I would be a lot more confident in my body at that weight. Right now, my mental health is still a lot worse than at my lowest weight, but I understand now that my happiness should not be conditional on hurting my body. If I do that, I'm going to attempt some kind of intuitive eating, and throughout the whole process I'm going to try and get a better, kinder relationship with myself and my body. There's a lot I need to unlearn, so it will take time. I'll do my best to remember that even though society, like it or not, glorifies and idolises underweight bodies, that those who like me better with bmi 16.8 are not the kind of people I want to listen to or associate with.
Hopefully, someday in the future, I might be able to become a version of myself that is strong enough to leave all this behind.
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