My journey of self discovery through weight loss and fitness- 4.5 years in the making
I'm really not entirely sure why I'm writing this post, in fact i hadn't commented on this sub for several years until this morning. I think i'm writing this in the hopes that someone who sees it will recognize they are beginning down the same path and find strength and hope in my journey. Perhaps if I saw a post like this I could have avoided many of the pitfalls and struggles I experienced. I thought about not writing this because if anyone who knows me sees this, they'll know it's me and learn somethings about me they didn't know before. But whatever, it'll be worth it if my story touches just one person who needs help but is to afraid to reach out and ask for it.
It's been a long time since I first joined this subreddit, My first post here was in October 2013. When I joined and began to take weightloss seriously I was an XXL wearing 20 year old guy. One day I decided enough was enough and began to cut my food intake.
I distinctly remember my first restriction was that i stopped eating an ice cream sandwich with my lunch. Within the span of a year, I dropped from somewhere above 370lbs (I hadn't weighed myself in nearly a year, so i'm assuming 400+) to 172.
I didn't exercise at all, I lose it all through restricted eating. Most days I was consuming < 1000 calories and day and would suffer prolonged periods of nearly debilitating hunger. I'd often be so hungry that I wouldn't be able to think clearly. My day often went
Skip breakfast
Eat half a walmart sub for lunch
eat something my parents cooked at supper
I would consume stupid amounts of coffee throughout the day in an effort to maintain some level of awareness and stave off the hunger pains. And trust me, I had hunger pains.
I forced my body to eat what little muscle and fat I had. I did this for probably 1-1.5 years. I was grotesquely unhappy with my body. I felt that if I kept restricting I would eventually get the body I wanted, I'd be smaller and slimmer. When people would ask what my motivation was, I simply said "I don't know, I just woke up one day and decided to eat less."
Deep down through, I knew. I had a deathly fear of going to the gym because I was terrified of building any sort of muscle, tone or bulk. I was beginning to battle with gender dysphoria and body dysmorphia. What I really wanted was a female body. However, I lived in a home environment where this was not possible, my parents are devoutly religious fundamentalists and were basically bankrolling me through college. So rocking that boat would be a dumb idea and possibly ruin my life.
So, I continued to carry this secret with me for another 3 years. My parents began to worry about my eating and I constantly told them I was fine, I wasn't. They also noticed the mountains of loose skin I was beginning to develop and suggested I hit the gym and "build some abs, the girls will be all over you." I of course, reacted angerly and stated that I didn't want to go to the gym. They'd always push me on why and luckily backed off after I'd respond "because" 3-4 times.
It's honestly a miracle I graduated undergrad between the hunger, self doubts, depression and suicide. But somehow, I did. I think one of the only things that kept me going was the idea that someday after I graduated I could transition.
I took a gap year to save money between undergrad and graduate school, telling myself I would begin transition as soon as I moved. That didn't happen, instead I found alcohol. In fall 2016 I started drinking, a lot. It helped dull the pain of existence and at least during the blackouts I forgot all about my dysphoria.
Somehow, I was able to hide my alcoholism from all my friends, family and my graduate cohort. But, by winter I was drinking every day and blacking out 3-4 times a week. Amazingly, I didn't gain any weight during this period, I shuffled around 165-175 depending on how much walking around campus i'd been doing lately.
My diet for this year pretty much consisted of eggs, bread and vegetables. I'd often try to limit my protein in take as much as possible, as not to gain muscle. towards the summer, my depression and suicidal thoughts increased...and so did my drinking. But I kept telling myself there was no way I could transition, i'd lose everything.
Then, on September 10th, shit hit the fan. I'd been dealing with the increased dysphoria, drinking and suicidal thoughts for a while and learned about a gender support group down the street from me. They met once a month and it was that night. I battled all day with wondering if I should go or not. The meeting was at 6 and I almost convinced myself by 6:30 that i'd skip it cause I was drunk and looked awful (no shower, 3 week old beard, yesterdays clothes). Thought I'd go to the next meeting in October, but I knew if i didn't go then, I wasn't going in October.
So, i dragged my barely awake, drunk and starving self down the block. 3 hours later I'd came out to two friends and by the next morning I was trying to find a therapist.
That was 8.5 months ago now and my life hasn't been the same since in a positive way. I'd always tell people I had been 'maintaining' my weight loss for like 3 years. In reality, I was still fighting trying to lose weight that I didn't have to lose. The lowest i've ever been was 155 and that was after a week of walking 20+ miles a day in LA visiting a friend and barely eating.
I began hormones in late September/early October depending how you slice it. Nearly overnight my dietary habits changed. I continued counting calories, but now they mattered. I dropped the booze cold turkey and begin eating healthy in an effort to help support my body to achieve the look I wanted to achieve.
I dropped from 172 to 160 in a month due to muscle loss and on the advice of a friend began going to the gym in early February after I was told I wouldn't bulk and it would help speed things along. I went from being terrified of the gym, to going every day. I took to it like a fish to water. I've since gained back like 24 pounds, but it's all muscle that I never had before. My clothes that I bought when I was 160 still fit me, in fact they fit better.
There are very few days I haven't been to the gym since then and in the last couple months I've began to alternate cardio and strength days, in an effort to be the best me I can be. Sure I'll never get the "hourglass figure" I want, cause of my shoulders. But I want to be the best me I can be. I lift, do abs, legs and chest exercises. When i run, i crank the incline and go for an hour.
My relationship with food is on a whole new level. I no longer view it as this necessary evil to be avoided. My diet isn't bread, eggs and veggies. I still eat those things, but I consume ample amounts of other things to. Like greek yogurt, fruits and protein (shout out to trader joe's high protein tofu!) because I freaking LOVE food, love cooking and view it as the fuel I need to propel my body further in the direction I want it to go. i still count calories, except now I also count macros and my calories burned.
My journey has led me to the discovery that I'm really a sporty/fitness minded woman who loves to cook, i rarely eat out and if I do, it's cause I want to try something I don't know how to cook. I'm always looking for ways to optimize my workouts, gains and searching for new recipes and how to make them healthy. Btw, swapping out Greek yogurt for butter is an amazing tip, cuts calories and adds a Ton of protein.
I came out to my parents in late October, fully assuming I'd lose them and for a while it looked like I would. But things are getting better, they use my name and pronouns and have mostly come to terms with who I really am. Most of the people at their church know, but I haven't been back there since last summer. So Thanksgiving could be fun :)
I'm not really sure how to appropriately end this post. So I'll just say this, if you're reading this and thinking "oh wow, that sounds a bit like me.", it does get better and it is worth it. Take the plunge, you won't regret it at all. I assumed my world would come crashing down and I'd be left with nothing.
Instead I've found myself and I'm happier and healthier for it.
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