Gaining back the weight: a Tale of Caution
In October 2016, my partner and I went out to eat with friends from out of town. We had a wonderful evening until my friend asked a waiter to take a picture of us. When I saw the picture, my first thought was that there was a stranger at the table with us: I had dyed my hair dark black days before, and more importantly gotten so heavy that I did not even recognize myself.
I rationally knew that I had gained a lot of weight. I was often out of breath and most shopping trips ended in tears because nothing fit. I tried to explain these things away: my raspitory problems were merely due to smoking and the clothing I tried on was meant for teenage girls. There was a bit of truth to these excuses; I had gotten too old for my H&M wardrobe at 22, and I did smoke a lot. But after seeing that picture, I realized for the first time that I was FAT. Not curvy or chubby, but fat, and this was a large component in my problems.
The realization tore away the little bit of self-esteem that I had left, and I hated my body. I'd look in the mirror and say 'you are disgusting' and 'you are worthless' to my own reflection. But I didn't kick my bad habits till January 2017. During this month, somebody gave me a vape, which I started using instead of cigarettes. I built down my nicotine level from 12 to 3mg, and gained some confidence back. I decided that it was also time to start losing weight.
Luckily, I found /r/Loseit (wow, the sub has changed since then!) and learned about CICO. Losing weight seemed like an easy task. I went from 190 lbs to 140 lbs at 5'8. I did not ever come to love my body, but I tolerated it. Shopping for clothes became easy. My breathing problems went away. I felt happy and never felt the need to pull down my shirt, or avoid pictures. There's a beautiful picture hanging up in my mom's house of myself and my siblings that was taken last winter. I would've never looked so happy and carefree in that if it weren't for the weightloss.
But after a big move in February 2018, I stopped paying attention to what I ate. I was around family more and enjoyed casual evenings of fried food and ale. Every morning I'd wake up, feeling guilty that I'd eaten so badly. I gained 5 pounds, which felt like 50, and instead of kicking me back into the right habits, they made me worse. I became complacent, thinking I was alresdy fat and that I might as well give up. Occasionally I thought of going back on CICO, but I never followed through.
Today I am wearing a sweater in the middle of summer, because I hate all my clothes. I gained back more than 30 lbs of the 50 that I lost. I am sitting in the town square, defeated, after a shopping trip. Everything looked bad on my body. It was almost nostalgic, the self-loathing when I looked in the mirror. The voice that's in the back of my mind when I'm at the beach or in the park, telling me that I'm fat.
I started this post, mostly because I wanted to vent. And I want to show you how easy it is to slip, especially if you hate yourself. I lost the 50 lbs FAST, never allowing myself any breaks. No days above 1200 calories for several months. And when I gained back 5 lbs, I felt worthless and gave up, even though I was still skinny and could've easily lost them.
What I want to advise you is: be kind to yourself. Never think you are not worth it. Always think of what you have already accomplished and remember that it was all you that did it. A cheatday or a setback means little. Even "naturally" fit people gain a few lbs now and then, and they lose it also, through good habits.
Don't go down the slippery slope caused by self-loathing and complacency, like I did.
Good luck everyone.
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