Realized I Developed an Eating Disorder - A Word of Warning
Hello everyone. This isn’t a post meant to discourage anyone losing weight (because you’re doing amazing and I’m so proud of all of you), but is instead a word of warning showing what might happen if you go too hard in your mindset. I’m still in disbelief that I actually have an issue, but certain situations have shed light on the fact that I may have a problem.
I’ve lost a total of about 80 pounds, and my goal weight was (is?) 125 pounds. I’m not quite sure what my exact weight is at this moment, but I’ll guess about 130 pounds, unfortunately. I only say unfortunately because I made it down to ~127 pounds at one point, but recent events have caused me to gain a bit. I usually weigh myself every day (sometimes multiple times a day), but have tried to implement a rule in the past week to only weigh once a week.
Anyway, I’ll cut to the chase. I lost most of the weight by restricting calories to 1,200 a day and never had a cheat day. I’m surprised I had so much willpower, but I lost 45 pounds in a 6 month time period (the initial 35 came off somewhat slowly a couple years prior to that point). Once I reached around 135 pounds, I began to somewhat maintain and very slowly lose weight. I ate at around 1,500 calories and slowly dropped a few more pounds over the next year.
About 6-7 months ago, I introduced exercise into my lifestyle. Previously, I HATED exercising. Now I can’t live without it. Starting in January 2019, I began to ramp up the cardio and went every single day for a minimum of 35 minutes (exercise bike). And I’m not just talking about some light cycling here - I do an intensity level of 8-9 at about 18 mph and finish the session dripping in sweat. I started to do some weights here and there, but weightlifting is still something I have yet to fully explore (I really want to get into it though!). During this time, I’ve eaten at sedentary maintenance calories (1,650). A month or two ago, I began to allow myself a bit more on the weekends, jumping up to 1,800-2,000 on those days. However, I felt very indulgent and “fat” doing so.
Unfortunately I’ve had an issue with getting my menstrual cycle (is that TMI? sorry), which apparently may be related to the weight change, calorie restriction, and drastic change in exercise. We aren’t 100% sure yet though. I was eventually referred to an endocrinologist and they found my estrogen levels to be low. I also had a resting heart rate of 41, which freaked me out (that’s not normal, right?). The doctor, after I went over my diet and exercise routine, recommended that I eat more and exercise less for the next 3 months and see if my hormone levels change (and if I get a period). That was about a week ago.
The past week has revealed how much of an issue I have when it comes to controlling what I eat and how much I exercise. I also unfortunately have a problem with binging on cheat days (which don’t happen that often, but when they do, it’s bad). I’ve had a handful of moments since the start of 2019 where I lose all control (this almost always occurs at night on a non-counting day) and eat until I am uncomfortably full and in pain. This is followed by extreme guilt and an unshakeable view that I am overweight and disgusting, despite being a normal BMI. I recently took a trip to Disneyland and had my worst binge ever, which resulted in me throwing up for the first time in over 10 years (if it wasn’t TMI, it definitely is now - sorry). Unfortunately, this past Saturday and Sunday were binge days for me. We’re talking sneak to the fridge at 1am for leftover pizza kinda binge days.
Because of the doctor’s recommendation, I have increased my calorie goal to 1,900-2,000 on days I do the intense cardio, and am going to stick with 1,650 on days I am sedentary. I am also going to take two rest days a week from the gym. I had a “rest day” yesterday, but ended up still walking for about an hour and a half total because I craved the exercise. I made the mistake of weighing myself after the binge weekend and was a total of 4 pounds heavier than I was six days ago. Since then, I’ve been in mental anguish over my weight, and cannot shake the feeling of being fat and stuck. I feel like I can’t just jump back into my extreme routine and get the weight off. I feel like I’m never going to reach my goal. I feel trapped and overweight and helpless.
I am terrified of gaining a significant amount of weight over the next three months, and waver between understanding that it’s okay to eat more when I work out and feeling like a complete pig for doing so. I can’t tell how many calories I’m burning, so I always have felt comfortable “playing it safe” by eating at sedentary maintenance. The weight gain over the past week is definitely going to deter future binges, or at least I hope so.
Anyway, I guess this is just a story that shows how easy it can be to slip into an unhealthy mindset when it comes to losing weight. The unfortunate thing is I’ve been feeling healthier than I’ve ever been and so proud of my lifestyle, and now that I have to eat more and exercise less I feel lazy and fat. I don’t have an accurate view of what I look like, and my perception of my body would change depending on the number I’d see on the scale that morning (with a pound meaning the difference between feeling skinny or fat). Even typing that out is difficult because I am so convinced underneath it all that I’m right and everyone else is wrong. It’s a very tricky situation, and hard for me to acknowledge. It’s a work in progress.
If anyone else has similar experiences, I would appreciate you sharing them with me if you are comfortable enough. I feel fairly alone in this when it comes to the people I know in real life.
I don’t know if I’m doing any of this right anymore. I don’t know if I’m eating too much now, or if it’s still too little. I don’t know if I’m cutting out enough exercise, or if it’s safe to increase it a little. I’ve had control for so long and now I feel disgusted with myself and trapped in my situation. I’m not asking for any medical advice or anything like that - I know a medical professional is the one to go to here. I guess I’m just looking for support. Or to feel like I’m not alone, or some kind of freak.
Thanks for listening.
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