How do you forgive yourself?

I've always struggled with my weight. But never as bad as recently. I'll try to keep this short. I'm 5'6/F

I was 232 when I got pregnant. I gained to 260. I immediately dropped to around 235 after recovery from that pregnancy.

Post pregnancy I decided to make a change. Is always been unhappy with myself and I was fed up. I lost through diet and exercise, around 60 lbs to get to 174. I felt great but wanted to lose about 30 more lbs.

My relationship fell apart and so did I. I just stopped caring or being motivated and I gained a tremendous amount of weight. Up to 311.2. More than I ever imagined was possibly for me to weigh. More than when I was 9 months pregnant. When I saw that number I was thoroughly disgusted. I made a bet on myself to lose the weight. I lost 80 lbs in 10 months to get to 231.

Now I sit at 218 having lost over 90 lbs and am still losing. I plan to reach 135 . I am certain this time I wont go back. I've done this without surgery.

Today I decided to take photos. The problem is I have photos from losing the weight before. Today I compared my photo from before to now. With the same weight -+5lbs.

I am horrified. My body before at that weight was significantly better than now. My stomach looks droopy and I have saddlebags I never had before. Before, even at 230 my stomach only had a pooch in the middle. Now it hangs over my sides. My skin is loose and my back is not smooth like it used to be. My arms are bigger and loose and disgust me.

The fat under my arms is horrific and I never had it before. Before, my photos look 30 lbs lighter even though they're the same weight.

I am struggling so completely with forgiving myself for the damage I did. With accepting myself.

So what do you do? How do you accept yourself when you are smacked in the face with the reality of your mistakes? Your permanent mistakes?

I've always thought I'd have to have surgery. But I'll never be able to afford it. Tell me reddit, where do I go from here?

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