Struggling with body shame
Hello everyone:)
I hope you and your loved ones are all safe and well! This is my first post in this subreddit.
I'm a 20-year-old female, almost 21. Currently 175.3 lbs, goal weight is 100. I'm 5'1"
So I'm a junior in college and I'm graduating in December, a semester early. I have struggled with my mental health for a long time. I was my heaviest ever going into my frosh year of college, about 179. I started seeing the nutritionist at my school (who was awesome!) and started working with a personal trainer at my college's fitness center (they have that service for free!) I lost 25 lbs by the end of the year. I got to maybe 143 or so. I hadn't been that light since frosh year of HS.
In my sophomore year I commuted an hour and a half each way. I was still working out, but I've gained almost everything back. I've gotten a lot of body shaming from my family but ESPECIALLY my dad. He once said, "Lose weight. I don't care how just f****** do it." Even now he sometimes says I don't have any control and I'm scared to eat in front of him. Meanwhile, my tiny sister (age 17) gets a bowl of cereal and the second half of a candy bar, and, you guessed it, NOT A PEEP. One time, I went to a wedding and I told my mom I wanted to be lifted and spun around in the first dance like my cousin did when she got married. She told me I would have to lose a lot of weight if I wanted that. I just HATE people who can eat what they want and be teeny tiny with no effort. With my mental health, I was just as anxious when I was working out 6 days a week and not eating dessert ever as I was when I was eating ice cream for lunch. It felt pointless.
My friend challenged me to do an 8-week beach body challenge (it's called barre blend) and I got onto it. I'm trying to run/walk again. I'm trying very hard not to eat a lot of fat, and I've been sleeping in until 10/11 AM so I skip breakfast. The workouts are hard and I'm very discouraged. I just feel like I'll never get there. Every time I look in the mirror I feel so ugly. I feel like every single female body I see is .000001% body fat. I have the sweetest, most empathetic SO I could ask for but when he says I'm beautiful I don't believe him. I made a Pinterest board of girls with perfect bodies called "don't eat the thingy." If I can't feel okay as I am, why not change? I'm only doing this so my dad will stop commenting. And broadcast journalism (what I'm studying) only wants skinny women. Sometimes I wonder what I would look like if I turned back time and didn't eat the cookie/ice cream/pizza. I just need support rn. Thank you all in advance:)
TL;DR: dealing with being insecure and body shame from MY DAD. The one man who is supposed to be there for me. I have 75 lbs to lose.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat https://ift.tt/2y4m8nB
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