Positive self talk from a serial binge eater
I have been overweight most of my life. I'm 51 years old now and I hit 368 pounds over the Christmas holiday last year. I lost 22 pounds and have yo-yo'd since. This morning I weighed 355. Every damn day I get the urge to binge eat. Some days it's so strong it reminds me of my sex-drive when I was 18-20. It hits me hard every single night and most afternoons. I wake up thinking about certain foods, sweets, baked goods, high fat foods etc. A couple of weeks ago I started doing something different. I began engaging in self-talk. I literally have conversations of positivity with myself. They go something like this.
Me: Damn I suddenly feel the need to eat all the things and hide it from my family. The feeling is overwhelming. I can't get up or I'll eat.
Nurturer Me: That's ok bud. That happens to you. I know it's hard sometimes, but if you think about your life it makes sense. It's ok to just stay where you are. It's ok to talk about it. Me: I still feel a strong desire to eat a lot of unhealthy things late at night, usually after 10 pm, or go out for a drive, which really means stopping at 1 to 3 fast food places to get things to eat, then park somewhere alone and eat those things and hope no one sees me.
Nurturer Me: I understand. It's ok bud. It really is ok to feel that way. I mean of course you're going to feel that way. Food has always been there for you. It's been your friend your entire life. It's been the only constant. It's been your only continual source of nurturing. It makes complete sense that you would feel this way. I mean let's think about it. You had a rough childhood. You have permanent lung damage from 3 to 6 packs of second hand smoke a day as you grew up. You had acute asthma. Sure you manage it now, but food was always there for you in the past. These feelings are ok. Remember this bud. I'm now here for you. I love you. I love you more than I ever have. I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere. I'll always be here for you. I'm not giving up or letting go of you. I think we can work through this together. Are things better now.
Me: yeah I feel a little better. But I still want to eat. I'm terrified if I get off the couch right now, I'll head into the kitchen and eat any number of things.
Nurturer Me: That's ok man. Just stay on the couch. You don't have to go anywhere. Yes I know you're thirsty, but that thirst can wait until you're not scared. I'm here with you. I'm not leaving. I'm never leaving you again. We can do this together. Let's watch youtube, or check out a soccer game. Is that helping?
Me: the TV is bugging me. I feel physically uncomfortable. The pull to eat is getting stronger again. I'm still terrified to get up. I'm really thirsty.
Nurturer Me: Lets try to solve the thirst problem. Can you go to the fridge and fill a glass you used earlier in the day to put water in? Can you fill it all the way? Half-way? Quarter-way? Don't reach into a cupboard. Just grab a glass and fill it.
Me: I think I can do it half way.
Nurturer Me: That's a great start. You can do that. I'll be right here with you. You're gonna go get that water bud and sit back down on the couch and enjoy it. How are you doing?
Me: I'm starting to feel better. I can get the water now.
Nurturer Me: I knew we could do it together. I knew we could, because we are the same person. We are just different perspectives of the same problem. You are not alone. Take care of yourself. When you feel comfortable to get up, go ahead. Go to bed even. You're ok. I can already feel it. We're ok. I'm ok.
I have conversations like that almost daily now. I can feel the urges starting to ebb ever so slightly. Oddly I've never called anyone "bud" before. It just seemed right. I don't know if this will help anyone, but this self talk is really helping me right now. It's making me feel like I can actually do this. It's making me feel like I no longer have to be afraid of myself. It's making me feel like I have a real chance. It's making me feel like I will follow through and do this.
Anyway, thanks for reading this if you decide to. I welcome any suggestions. I highly value everyone here.
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