TW Binge; I'm currently having a stress-induced binge, and I'd like to work through some feelings, if that's ok?
Hi friends; as the title suggests, I'm currently finding myself on the tail end of a stress induced binge. I'd like to work through some feelings before taking a hot shower and doing some yoga to re-focus, if that's ok? If not, please remove this post, mods! I'm using a throwaway, but I definitely still don't want to break the rules. Just feeling weird and stressed and all my friends/family are asleep.
So. This is my first true binge in......a very very long while; at least 4 months. I've had moments of overeating since then, but nothing like the typical "must consume all food in arms reach immediately" thoughts I'm having now. I do consider my willpower since that last time a huge win, for what it's worth. I don't think I have BED, but I think it's just because I've been working out a lot harder than usual and walking around the neighborhood a lot more, in addition to keeping my calories around -400 from my estimated TDEE, so, tbh it was only a matter of time before I broke (hah).
Anyways. What makes this binge different is that I know 100% where these feelings are coming from, and I'm doing my best to just....ride the wave and start planning for tomorrow, which is a COMPLETE 180 from my previous loss of control moments. I completely attribute that to this amazing group of people, for what it's worth. But yeah, so.... I've been really really tight on money the past few weeks and my freezer stock is dwindling severely. I come from a fairly food/money insecure background and have shown tendencies in the past of stockpiling and hoarding food, although I'm trying to change that. I had to go grocery shopping today, which is a stressful enough activity, but combined with how tight money has been lately, well, it just put me over the top. I've been following a keto diet, which is definitely not the cheapest, but I've been making it work, although just barely.
The binge started before I even went out; my lunch today was pretty satisfying but I was still craving something more, so I had an extra protein bar- definitely still well within my calories/macros for today, but I could have done without it and been more than fine. Then, of course when I was at the grocery store there was an associate handing out samples of some peanut butter malted candy ball thing, and in a moment of complete weakness, I ate one. It probably was still within my macros/calories considering how much I'd been walking today (at least, that's how I justified it to myself.) I continued shopping and had a few more samples (meat and cheese things) but on my way out, I gave in and got a small bag of chocolate covered cherries, which I ate on my way to the bus stop. When I got home I could not keep my spoon out of the peanut butter jar, and that was it. I had some cream cheese, two keto homemade brownies, some of my roommates leftover easter candy, a belvita biscuit, 1/4 of a pint of enlightened, some blueberries, some macadamia nuts, another protein bar, and some individually wrapped cheeses, more peanut butter, etc.
As I was eating, I realized exactly where the need to binge was coming from. I'm feeling very food-insecure right now, and I think I needed to just feel.....overwhelmingly full to counteract the stress from counting pennies per oz of groceries at the store. My brain just kind of needed to know that no matter how much money I'm making or not making, I will be okay? And as soon as I realized that, I realized....I've actually done a really good job lately, I'm about 15 pounds from my goal, I've gone to the gym 6 days a week for the past two months, and I've been logging EVERYTHING lately, so like....if this is the worst thing to happen, so be it. I can bounce back. I need to feel security right now, and as much as I hate finding security in food, if that's how it has to be right now, so be it. I'm not going to give the sadistic part of my brain the satisfaction of binging so hard and then ruining it on top of that. I can and will do better tomorrow and the day after that, etc. And, yeah, I'm going to pay for this binge with an awful stomach ache, horrible sleep, and a headache, (stomach and head ache have already started), but if that's what the price is for not having a week long panic attack over spending $50 on food and public transportation costs for the week, unfortunately, I'll take it. I know this is not regular behavior for me; it's a special circumstance, and part of a healthy lifestyle change instead of just a "diet" is that I think if I don't make this into such a huge deal, it's not going to continue into a week long spiral of shame where I punish myself with 3 extra hours of cardio and a three day fast. I'll run extra hard at the gym tomorrow because I like the way it makes me feel; I probably won't eat until dinner, not as punishment, but because I've eaten enough today to be full for days (hah).
Idk...I'm definitely not trying to justify unhealthy codependency on food, I'm just trying to be gentle with myself because I know where this is coming from. The desire to have a full belly is directly related to my desire to know I WILL have enough food to last until my next gig, you know? I'm stressed by the fact that cooking and meal planning and staying under 1200 calories is so god damn draining and it all just came to a head. Obviously, not in the healthiest of ways, but I definitely can't blame myself. I can only try to be better tomorrow.
Anyways. If anyone is up and wants to help out a stranger cycling through some weirdness, I'll be up for a bit? :) <3
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