A year ago today I was being checked into a drug & alcohol detox program, almost 375lbs
Hey everyone.
https://imgur.com/QqLQKny - 1 year free of Gabapentin
There was a period of time in my life when creating happiness was too much work. It was easier to take a (literal) handful of pills (Gabapentin 800mg) or drink a liter of vodka every so many hours than it was to take responsibility for my own happiness.
The euphoria that the self-medication gave me also gave me a false sense of comfort and confidence. If I had the meds or the alcohol, I could work. If I had the meds or the alcohol, I could be social. If I had the meds or the alcohol, I could... fill in the blank, I’ve probably said it.
I used my anxiety as a crutch, and in turn, my anxiety manifested my addiction, my addiction fed my anxiety, and my addiction and anxiety both controlled my life.
Today I’m a year away the day I went into detox, and a year clean from Gabapentin.
I never thought I’d be happy like the way Gabapentin or a liter of vodka made me happy. And I was right. Addiction makes you happy in a way like hanging out with a friend you know talks shit about you behind your back makes you feel. Sure you’re having fun. No doubt you feel great. But you know in the pit of your gut that the whole thing is fucked up when you look at yourself in pictures or in the mirror. And you wish more than anything that that “friend” would be a fucking friend and that that feeling in your gut would go away and that you could just handle your shit. But it won’t. You can’t. You’re an addict. You have a disease.
Today I’m happy without that feeling in my gut. I’m happy without the guilt. I enjoy life without second guessing if I should be. I have true friends. I control my happiness and I control my attitude. I don’t need to reach for a handful of Gabapentin or drink a liter of vodka a day to make me happy for a few hours. I’m not tied to a prescription and I’m not lying to doctors and friends and family and keeping stories straight so I can make sure I can stay high all the time in order to stay happy.
I create my happiness now.
I did relapse with alcohol back in March of this year, but it was one time and was enough of a scare for me to realize I had to get my shit back in order. I was almost 375lbs, I just relapsed, I had lost my job, and I knew life could get out of control for me very quickly.
So I started Weight Watchers and going to these WERQ dance fitness classes with a friend. Since June I have lost over 50lbs. - Progress Pic from November: https://imgur.com/xWyugcJ
Since March I haven't had any alcohol, I love working out at the gym and my WERQ classes, and life is so much better for me now.
I have a ways to go to my goal weight of 200lbs, but I feel that 2019 is going to be the year that I kick ass on a whole new level.
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