I can wear anything I want now!
Okay, I’ll preface by saying I’m aware that technically, I was always able to wear whatever I want. As in, nobody could actually “stop” me and it’s not illegal to put whatever I want on my own body. I was always overweight or obese for most of my life, so I couldn’t wear all the cute clothes that every other kid wore. My schools had uniforms, so at least I was spared not having to see that I couldn’t wear the cartoon tees and the pretty ruffle skirts like all the other girls, but I noticed that my uniforms were...larger than normal. And they didn’t fit right. I felt terrible just knowing that, and it caused me to choose baggy dark clothes in my off-campus life to hide my fatness and the rolls and stretch marks.
Clothes shopping was a real struggle. It was an ordeal every single time, and I would tell my mom I didn’t want new clothes. I never told her it was because I felt I was too fat to fit in the ones I wanted, or because I was embarrassed being 12 and having to shop in the adults section. I just told her I didn’t want them. But she made me get new clothes, and they of course weren’t what I wished I could have. They were those weird “mom-style” clothes with bland primary color patterns. Like the clothes you see the commercial soccer moms wearing. Those clothes. I couldn’t wear graphic tees unless I went to the men’s section at Kohl’s. I was shamed for not dressing “like a girl”, but how could I wear dresses and skirts when my mom told me I was too fat to fit in them?
I wasn’t allowed to wear shorts. Unless they touched my knees and didn’t show any cellulite in my rear end. And those were a rare breed, and they were so ugly, so I just wore pants and black leggings every single day. I live south of the US (it’s currently 80 F here) and the summers are brutal. 100+ F in July and August. I hated the summer, because I knew I would have to wear pants through it all. And swimsuits. Oh my god. I had to wear the hideous ones made for larger people and they were so uncomfortable and such eyesores (not hating if you do wear them, but they’re just not appealing to a teenager). I wanted a bright two-piece, even if it’s shorts and tank top style. I’m not much of a bikini person. But I had to wear the eyesore tops with 2XL men’s basketball shorts in the pool and I was so embarrassed to be around other girls because I was the one that really stood out in the wrong ways.
Trying on clothes was a huge production. I would put something on and my mom would make sure to tell me if too much fat showed or if it made me look like a stuffed sausage or something. Not her exact wording, but that’s exactly what I felt. I didn’t have a full-length mirror in my room until recently, because it literally hurt to look at myself and see that my clothes didn’t fit. My mom forbade me from wearing shorts, tight clothes, and made me get the hideous “grandma” style dresses if I wanted a dress, because there was no such thing as a cute plus-size dress for a teen.
Another issue came along when I was 16. I was around 230 pounds then (!). And that’s when I started divulging in my sexuality. In short, there’s a reason I’m always staring at women. It’s just the gayness. Staring at other girls and women hurt my soul, because they are so CUTE and can wear WHATEVER and rock it too, and there I was having to hide behind black leggings and a t shirt. It wasn’t fair.
August, 2018, I made a change. I was 17 years old and 230 pounds. Started IF, calorie deficit, light exercise, and healthy eating. Boom. Now I’m 18 years old, roughly 150 pounds. And I can wear anything I want. I can wear shorts above my knees! I can wear tees from the teens section, I can wear pretty dresses, I can wear tank tops, and I just bought a pretty vintage-style two-piece swimsuit that has a skirt. I have a mirror in my room now.
I try everything on when I come home after buying it and it’s the highlight of my day. Sometimes I’ll try clothes on for no reason to see how well they hug my body, because I’ve earned this. I still wear black leggings on breezy days (and because they look cute with my tees, okay?) but my closet has completely transformed! Dresses, shorts, active wear, yoga pants, rompers, overalls. You name it, I can wear it!
My body is not a “bikini” body, but that’s okay. I still have a little more weight to lose and I need to tone my muscles up because I have loose skin. I’m confident in what I put on my body, knowing that I can put whatever I want on it! And I’m not nervous around other girls all the time. Because I can wear what they wear and I’m not so outcasted due to my clothes and style. I’ve had girls tell me I’m pretty. I never got that when I was obese.
Even if my body is imperfect and not what you’d see in a magazine, I embrace it because I earned it. I worked hard for this, and while I don’t like the loose skin, I just accept it. It’s a result of my hard work.
I’m so excited for summer though! I can’t wait to wear my new swimsuit and get some more shorts and tank tops. I’m picky about my dresses, but I can’t wait until it’s sundress weather all the time for a few months. My mom now gloats to everyone that her “tomboy wears dresses now!” I used to hate looking in the mirror, but today I’m so happy with what I see. I’m very feminine and I love it.
This is surreal. I can wear anything I want. And it feels amazing. No matter how much you want to lose or what your reasons are, I hope you love yourself in the end, because that’s really all that matters.
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from loseit - Lose the Fat http://bit.ly/2GtzD1O
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