Weighty Whys
As the scale passes 200 again, all this 35-year-old, 5'7" woman can ask is, "Why?" Why have I lost control yet again? Why can't I stop eating ice cream, cookies, pizza, candy? What comfort do I think I'm finding in this garbage food? It's not about the taste, I realized. It's about stuffing myself to fill some hole inside me. But what? My life has been good. I was never beaten or sexually abused. My parents and husband are nice to me. I've suffered in life, but not nearly as badly as many others.
Why do I have a "relationship" with food? Ideally, I'd simply view it as nourishment and fuel, not distraction and comfort. I know a few people, mostly men, who eat the bare minimum. They seem to view food neutrally. They don't get excited about it. They don't anticipate the next time they'll encounter it. "Teach me your ways," I want to implore them.
An abbreviated history: I was always thin and athletic as a kid and teen. I was around 130 in high school. I got down to 123 for a time after a trip to Europe when I was 16 and we WALKED. EVERYWHERE. for 10 days. I clocked in at 142 when I graduated. I didn't start really gaining weight until college, I guess because I was away from my parents and free to eat whatever I could get my hands on. I remember gaining about 7 lbs the summer I turned 19 because after my parents went to bed, I would make myself all manner of savory things. Black beans fried in oil, topped with shredded cheese. Crackers and cheese. Nachos. I'd have a friend over and we'd drive to the nearest convenience store late at night and binge on snacks.
But I wasn't obese. I only got up to the 160s by the end of college. When I hit 170 about 10 years ago, I freaked out and got down to 145 by tracking my food for several months and walking. Fast-forward to last year, when I hit 225. Freaked out again and tracked food and got down to 190. Stayed pretty steady over the last six months or so, surprisingly, because I fell off the tracking wagon. But now, here I am, back to 200.
I can't seem to get back on the wagon. I have a food tracking app. I've done it before and I know it will work. I just can't seem to commit to it full-time. Why? Why have I not reached the trigger point so many of you have that made you commit, stay focused, and lose the weight? Apparently, I want to be thinner and healthier, but not as much as I still want to binge. Why?
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