Something just clicked in my head (Re: Never Binge Again)
Hi everybody! F29 and a long time lurker. I wanted to share some of the mental progress I've made lately.
My relationship with food has always been somewhat complicated. In my childhood home, food was a substitute for parental love and care. I don't really have many fond memories of my parents and all those are somehow related to eating. (I. e. eating smoked fish with my dad or my mom giving me something to eat to settle my aching stomach and so on.) Also really wasn't an active kid. Because of that, I was a chubby child and got bullied for that in school. My first diet started probably when I was 12-13 years old and I've been yo-yo-dieting ever since. Started getting into exercise when I was 17. I've never been obese, my BMI has fluctuated between 25-27 most of the time. (At my lightest my BMI has been 23, at my heaviest 28-29ish.)
The constant dieting has wrecked my relationship with food and my body image. At my worst, I'm totally obsessed with eating and not eating. Food related thoughts flood my mind, what to eat and what not to eat, what is the best diet, how can I fix my problems with food etc. Food and dieting give meaning in my life, and I hate it. When I'm having a really bad day, I look into a mirror and see a deformed individual beyond repair. I don't think I have an eating disorder per se. I don't purge or binge big time, but I do have some kind of "self hate - restrict - overfeed" -cycle going on. I do know that this isn't normal or healthy in any way.
Fast forward into present year. Started doing IF in February and it helped with my obsessive behaviors. When I'm fasting, I really don't think about food that often. I learned that slight hunger pangs aren't dangerous or won't cause me to binge later. It was a relief to get "a break" from all of the food related thoughts and choices for 16-20 hours per day. Also I really started to realize the whole "food = love and care" situation in my family. My mom literally freaks out when I don't eat what is offered. (It's almost like I'm not allowed to decide what I put into my body at 29 years old for crying out loud.) With IF I first lost 11 kg (24ish lbs, had a BMI of 23.6) and was very happy about the situation.
During the summer I had a stressful life situation going on and I slowly found myself obsessing about food again. During my eating window I stuffed myself beyond comfort and felt really bad about it. Also ate a crap ton of sugar almost daily. I didn't have a scale during this time but I felt myself gaining weight again. When things returned normal again I hopped on the scale and found out I've gained 3 kg/6.6 lbs. Ffs.
On the same day I stumbled into a youtube video of Glenn Livingston explaining his Never Binge Again -system. (I know that Livingston doesn't recommend fasting, in the future I might have to consider if it still benefits me.) And suddenly it all clicked in my head. I just don't want to binge or overstuff myself ever again. I don't want to obsess about food ever again. I don't want to plan the "ultimate cheat day" ever again.
I'm done.
And then I got scared and doubtful. What if I'm not able to do it. I've always done it, I can't possibly succeed now. But then I listened a Never Binge Again- podcast where Livingstone stated that the only time you don't have to binge is now. It hit me hard.
I made myself a couple of new "rules." I like these because these aren't vague, like "I can't have any treats" or "I will eat 90% healthy." I only have issues with sweet treats. I can allow myself the occasional beer and pizza because I seriously won't binge on those.
- I only eat sugary treats or similar things (like "fitness candies" etc.) during Saturdays.
- I will never binge again.
- I will never overstuff myself again.
- I vision myself only being successful. If I am not, I will forgive myself with grace and move on.
- I will try to find meaning in my life other than food.
So here I am. I haven't overeaten for a week. Slowly started to lose the weight I gained with my stress eating. Had some candy on Saturday, but didn't binge on it. When I look at my former binge worthy foods, I suddenly feel nothing. I find myself thinking "I'm the kind of person, who doesn't eat those." I overall feel so much calmer.
This sudden mental progress scares me, to be completely honest with you. Maybe I can do this now because I've had plenty of sleep and a calm schedule. Maybe this all will crash and burn when I'm stressed again. But then again, I feel that these are some really powerful thoughts and rules that I have currently going on.
Thanks for reading. Please share your thoughts if you have any.
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