Struggling a lot with my mental health and I can't stop comfort/binge eating

I am just so frustrated and upset by this so I need to get it off my chest for once.

I have suffered with depression for my whole adult life and I have just come to accept it's part of me and it will never get better, but lately on top of that I seem to have developed an extremely unhealthy relationship with food and my body as a whole. In fact, I hate my body. My self esteem is awful, usually to the point I am scared to go outside unless I spend sometimes literal hours deciding on clothes and putting on a full face of makeup repeatedly if I make a mistake until it looks "perfect". Sometimes I can spend up to 5 hours getting ready to just leave the house because I also hate looking in the mirror while doing this process. I also struggle with basic tasks like showering just because I hate taking off my clothes and needing to see myself. I recently removed my full length mirror so I don't need to see myself anymore, or I do a fun thing where I feel okay but then I will find a flaw to feel bad about that day. It's a bit of a Russian roulette of my brain deciding what to be insecure about on any given day and if there isn't something I will find something. It's also ruining my relationship because I no longer want to be intimate with him and I don't want him to see me undressed. I just wear baggy clothes most of the time so my shape doesn't show.

The problem is, I desperately want to lose weight. I feel absolutely awful all the time with my body and can't help but feel if I was skinny, 90% of my confidence issues would be solved. Sometimes I don't even feel human. I feel like a ball of lard on legs and I am sick of it, I get all motivated to change it but it only ever lasts for a few days until I end up on a stupid binge and give up. I seem to only be able to last 3-4 days of eating well and exercising before I start what I can only assume is comfort eating that feels beyond my control. Logically I know I don't want it and it will only make me feel worse, but once the desire for it hits it feels like I can't stop it, then I always feel guilty for it, like I have no self control. Legit the other day I was doing well for days, eating well, exercising, motivated. Then my brain decided to get the big sad for no reason and I ended up eating a whole pizza, two loaves of garlic bread, chocolate and candy, without really knowing what I am doing. It's like in some moments it feels like the only thing that will cheer me up is to eat a pile of junk, keep eating until I feel ill, then feel guilty and hate myself again.

It's an endless cycle and I am sick of it.

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